BP Reveals New Strategy

BOURBON ST., NEW ORLEANS -- BP today confirmed they have a new plan for the Gulf of Mexico, which includes filling up up the Gulf with oil to create a giant reservoir for future energy needs. From Key West to Cuba to Cancun, a containment dam will be built to trap the spewing crude from escaping the Gulf, announced BP CEO Tony Hayward, in his pompous British accent. Sea water will then be drained from the Gulf through a filtering process in the dams, which will, according to BP engineers, trap enough oil in the Gulf for generations of human consumption.

"We think this will provide a real, long-term solution for the Gulf of Mexico," said Hayward, nauseatingly glib. "You will all be thanking BP long after the cameras have gone. We never really wanted to cap that well anyway."

To construct the containment dam, BP is promising multiple sub-contracts and is reportedly being pressured to consider a Chinese consortium. Said one US government official who spoke on the condition of anonymity, "Asians really need to be involved in a project of this magnitude." With estimates of the flow rate increasing by the minute, projections reflect that the Gulf could be full of oil by as early as 2015.

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